It’s Time to Feel Again

Today was a rough day. A day of indecencies, a day that made me question humanity and the road we’re on, a day of heartache and pain and suffering. But today was also a day of hope and resurrections and triumph.

Sometimes it feels like for so long I’ve just been looking for someone to look into my eyes, really search to find the depths of my soul, and see so desperately what my mouth does not have the energy or want to articulate. And that is this: I just want somebody to understand. To understand what I’m going through, whatever it may be on any given day, to understand what I yearn for most out of life, to understand my fears, to understand my crazy tendencies that aren’t really so crazy, to understand me. Is that so much to ask? Don’t we all just want someone, anyone, to understand us?

Outside family members, I think to find such a person is pretty rare. And I do not write this post gearing it toward finding a relationship. I’m not searching for that, I’m just looking for the friendship, the kind-heartedness in people, the compassion I want to see in the world. The rest can find its way to me all on its own.

And I am continuously searching for that goodness, and my heart finds hope on the days when someone makes me laugh. I mean really gut-wrenching, teary-eyed, random outbursts of laughter. I experienced a lot of that today, and I felt like I was finally finding my way back to the girl I used to know–one not so cynical and emotionally drained.

I realize as I type this that this post has a certain vulnerability to it that some of my previous ones do not necessarily possess. All I can say is I am trying–trying to tell you all how I really feel in hopes that it will help one or more of you going through the same thing, trying to tell you that it really isn’t always cheerful days filled with good people and good intentions. But it is the roller coaster of emotions, the pain and struggle that it takes for us to find our ways through this mess that is life that is the reality.

Today, I began my day with circumstances out of my control that made me want to retreat into the fantasy. I ended the day with people who made me see the happiness and love that can come from the reality.

I have not yet lost all faith in this world, and I don’t think you should either. When you least expect it, but probably when you most need it, someone will always give you a reason to giggle like a maniac. And what is life without laughter? Nothing I ever want to experience.

“It’s been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face

I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace

Everything that I’ve had until my feet went numb.

Praying like a fool that’s been on the run

Heart still beating, but it’s not working

It’s like a million dollar phone that you just can’t ring

I reach out trying to find love, but I feel nothing…

Yeah, my heart is numb but

With you, I feel again.”

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